image from "itthing.com"

If you like to make resolutions, go for it.  Still, give Solomon’s wisdom in Ecclesiastes some of your thought.

Solomon’s thought makes a good addition to what Jesus said in the Gospel of John, The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full (John 10:10).  Simply said, God wants us to have full lives.

The verse does not define what Jesus means by “full” lives.  Some may try to say that God wants his people to have exalted lives with all the physical blessings they want.  That cannot be God’s definition because in history and even today there are many Christians who do not have huge amounts of physical blessings, yet they are no less Christian than anyone else.  God is not talking about lives of wealth or exaltation, but he does want us to have full lives.

We’ll refer to Solomon’s wisdom to define for us what God has in mind when he speaks about a full life.

Solomon wrote the book of Ecclesiastes as a summary of an experiment that he personally conducted.  Solomon asked “What does a man gain from all his labor at which he toils under the sun?” (Ecclesiastes 1:3).  In part his summary is given in verse 2, “Utterly meaningless!  Everything is meaningless.”  Yet, that simple summary does not do justice to what Solomon realized.

Solomon explored a number of human endeavors.

We know how important wisdom was to Solomon (it was God’s special gift to him), so Solomon dedicated himself to wisdom. He realized that wisdom is better than folly, but both the wise and the fool die.  He decided that striving for wisdom would still leave you feeling empty and desiring more.

The very American endeavor of searching for pleasure was Solomon’s second area of “study.”  He acquired everything that gave him pleasure.  He pursued everything that promised pleasure.  In the end he still ended up feeling empty, he didn’t gain anything long lasting and permanently fulfilling.

He dedicated himself to toil / hard work.  He recognized the importance of work, but in the end, he still felt empty and that there had to be more to life.

Solomon also explored the search for knowledge, the pursuit of friendliness, advancement, and the search for riches.  In each case he perceived good things about each pursuit, but he also saw the emptiness of all his endeavors.

Solomon’s conclusion has three facets:

1)  Everything that we do in life, the search for wealth or power or money, the striving after intelligence or wisdom or pleasure, all those things can become meaningless and we realize that there must be more to life than those endeavors.  By themselves, they will not fulfill.

2)  Certainly everything we do has a place in our life, but when done without God (without faith in God and without faith strengthening our spirit) everything leaves us feeling that there has to be more.  To obtain that “more” some people will just try something else and for a while, life is good.  Sooner or later even that new endeavor will leave them cool and wanting more rather than being satisfied.

3)  All of the tasks of our life have meaning and purpose when God is the foundation of what we do.  The Lord makes pleasure truly pleasurable, long lasting, and fulfilling.  The Lord makes hard work truly useful, long lasting and fulfilling.  The Lord makes obtaining money and possessions truly a blessing, long lasting and fulfilling.  The Lord makes …(fill in your own endeavor) … useful, long lasting and fulfilling – no longer meaningless.

So if you want your new year to be more fulfilling you need to have God as part of it.  Faith in Jesus as Savior needs to be at the center.  Trust in God will be part of your nature.  Realizing that all things come from Him and are used by us because of His blessing allows each endeavor to be fulfilling.   With God as the energy and foundation of our life, the things we do are not meaningless, but He blesses us with the joy of what we have and do.

Specifically Solomon wrote in Ecclesiastes:

²⁴ A man can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in his work. This too, I see, is from the hand of God, ²⁵ for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment? ²⁶ To the man who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness, but to the sinner he gives the task of gathering and storing up wealth to hand it over to the one who pleases God. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.  (Eccl. 2:24-26) [Underline emphasis, mine].

• Satisfaction with eating, drinking and work are encouraged.
• The “satisfaction” is a blessing of God because the Christian is with Him.
• Even enjoyment is part of the blessing that God gives his people.

¹¹ He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. ¹² I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. ¹³ That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. ¹⁴ I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him. (Eccl 3:11-14)

• The Lord makes everything beautiful.
• God wants us to be happy and do good.
• Be satisfied with all which we do.
• All of the above are a gift from God.
• What God does will endure forever.
• God blesses and men will “revere” and rejoice.

I have seen another evil under the sun, and it weighs heavily on men: ² God gives a man wealth, possessions and honor, so that he lacks nothing his heart desires, but God does not enable him to enjoy them, and a stranger enjoys them instead. This is meaningless, a grievous evil. (Eccl. 6:2, NIV)

• Regarding those who are evil and do not want to have faith in the Lord, God still blesses them.
• Yet, God does not “enable him to enjoy them.”

So I commend the enjoyment of life, because nothing is better for a man under the sun than to eat and drink and be glad. Then joy will accompany him in his work all the days of the life God has given him under the sun. (Eccl. 8:15, NIV).

• Enjoy life for it is God who has given us what we do and the ability to enjoy and rejoice.

One final reminder, those things which are sinful cannot be done in a way that God will bless.  Nor do sinful endeavors make for a full life.  Instead they will bring out an enslaved life.

At Christmas we have a good chance of seeing real excitement.  An excellent example was shown on “America’s Funniest Home Videos.”  A little boy was so excited for his birthday that he was physically shaking. His arms were shaking.  His face was filled with excitement.  He was bouncing up and down in his chair.  He could not wait to blow out the candles of his cake.  He looked as if he was going to dive head first into the cake.  I can imagine that he was looking forward to opening his present.  His body was a mass of energy waiting to be explode into the events of his birthday.

The angels must have been a similar mass of energy waiting to explode into Jesus’ birthday.

For the nine months of Mary’s pregnancy the rest of our world went about its daily activities.  King Herod went about his paranoid life wondering who might try to take his kingdom from him.  The Roman Emperor, Augustus, was wondering how to get more money from his empire.  The Jewish group that liked Hellenization was wondering how to gain power and keep the other faction from gaining power.  The other Jewish group who detested Hellenization was working to gain their power and stop the other guys.  Roman soldiers were wondering when they would get off duty, when they could drink wine or beer, and why they had enlisted in the first place only to be assigned to Judea, a hot, sweltering, hell hole.  In Nazareth some of the town’s people were wondering how it could be that Mary, a seemingly good girl, was pregnant and Joseph a seemingly good Jewish boy was putting up with it.

There must have been a lot of the “same old, same old” in the world that first Christmas.

The angels had a different perspective.

Once their buddy Gabriel was told by the Father to announce to Mary that she was going to be the mother of the Messiah their excitement and energy had to be growing. All those previous years of promises about the Messiah, all those previous years of shadows about the Messiah and salvation, were about to be fulfilled.  Satan thought he had a good hold on the souls of the world’s population.  Satan thought he had control over the world’s life and lack of morality.  All that was about to change.  He was sending his Son to be the Savior.

Certainly the Son’s birth and much of his life would seem insignificant and unimportant to humans.  Even so, God was cutting through the hardened armor of Satan around the world and would affect all people as if God had detonated an EMP above all Satan’s electronics.

As the nine months of Mary’s pregnancy progressed, the angels must have been getting more and more excited.  I can easily see them shaking with excitement just as much as that little boy shook with joy and excitement waiting for his party to begin.  If his shaking looked like he was about to explode,

the angels excitement may have shaken a lot of feathers loose

so that it would like as if the angels were molting –

joy, excitement and feathers everywhere.

As Mary and Joseph arrived at Bethlehem and Mary began serious labor pains, the angels must have been beside themselves with excitement.  When the baby Jesus entered the world, they must have been shaking with joy and excitement.

We do not know the name of the angel that God sent to the Shepherds upon the birth of Jesus.  Let’s call him George.  Angel George received the memo from God – “Go to the shepherds around Bethlehem and tell them what just happened.”  Knowing that angels of the Lord are not going to give in to temptation, I doubt that any of them were jealous of George.  They were probably saying, “Yes, now it begins!  Go get um, George.”  And off he went like a flash.  His words are recorded in Luke - ⁸ And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. ⁹ An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. ¹⁰ But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. ¹¹ Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. ¹² This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.” 

What we’ll consider next is pure guess work on my part, but it is fun to think this way.

The other angels were not jealous – they’re God’s angels after all.  But, they were still excited, so excited that they could not contain their enthusiasm.  George may have gotten the honor and the memo, but the angels were so excited about what God was doing that heaven could not contain the energy of their joy.  The explosive power of their joy blew through the veil that separates heaven from earth and burst into our world.  The angels sang with beauty, joy, and excitement – “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will to men (Luke 2:14).

Please do not view your Christmas celebration with the yawn of normalcy-

so often experienced, containing so little excitement. 

At least let your heart, soul, and spirit, be filled and burst with the joy and excitement that you have because Jesus is your Savior.  He may have been born some 2000 years ago, but the excitement of having a Savior does diminish over time.  I believe that to this day even the angels celebrate with gusto and chances are some of them will join your joyous celebration.

P.S.  All the above is accurate, but don’t think it applies to anything that is outright sinful.  Sinful activities do not fit in with the full life that Jesus wwants his people to have.

No matter what the majority thought the end result was HOPELESSNESS.

All those dry bones that Ezekiel saw in the valley (see chapter 37) were a good representation of the people of Israel.  The people of Israel were walking about, doing work, living, and carrying out all facets of their lives.  Yet in their hearts they were nothing but dried out bones of the nation they had been –  the joy they had had, the strength they had had, the spirit that had been theirs – these had been torn away.

Their spiritual reality was dry bones and hopelessness.

The Lord was not going to leave his people drying out in their hopelessness or their own self pity until not even bones were left, but only dust.  The Lord never allows Satan’s tyranny strength too long.  He may let Satan’s hand have greater strength for a while.  Israel is sadly an excellent example of God allowing Satan’s arm greater reach because of Israel’s sin.  How long a drought of spiritual water and joy may be allowed to last we cannot say when we are the ones experiencing the drought?  Yet the joy-sucking worm will be loosened.

The Lord would meet his people where they were and bring them to spiritual growth from there.

When they had sunk back into spiritual weakness, God met them there by sending the prophets.  Prophets like Isaiah and Jeremiah would proclaim the need for repentance.  There may be times we wish the Lord would simply act with his almighty power and bring his people up, but God has always been a gentlemen and has seldom been coercive.  If people wish to be bound in their sin, most of the time God will present the truth in the hope that people will hear.  The Lord wished to raise their spiritual strength and sent the prophets.  When the people listened, their spiritual growth would move them.

At times the people would not listen to the prophets and they would sink further in sin and thus lose more spiritual strength.  At their worst we have seen the Assyrian exile and the Babylonian exile.  God was still meeting them where they were at.  In the case of Ezekiel, the Lord met them as dry bones and, from that position of spiritual weakness, he would provide the blessing of spiritual growth – renewed hope and renewed life in the land of promise.

For all of Israel who would listen, God promised that he would draw together the dry bones of each individual.

He would bring renewed muscle and flesh onto what had been scorched dry.  He would give birth to new skin to each person now standing in what had been a dead valley.  He would speak anew and fill their lungs with the breath of life “that they may live again.”  [37:9]

For all Israel the LORD would provide hope and life where the people felt only hopelessness and doom.

In sorrow I suspect that some would rejoice in their new hope and life, but they would not stay with the one who had opened the clutches of Satan’s hand, who had pulled his arm back, who had released the demon’s hold.  God had met them where they were and lifted them up, but they would only take the physical blessing, but would not recognize him who blessed.

Hopefully many would be met by the Lord where they were spiritually at; they would receive the blessings of new bones, new muscle, ligaments and skin and would feel the new hope in their lives.  Then they would rejoice and thank the Lord who blessed them.

May we also rejoice in the one who fills our dry moments with hope and joy. 

Recognize, rejoice and grow for the Lord meets us where we are at too. 

While none of us are Luther, there is a fire of passion for Jesus in your heart.  That fire was kindled when you first came to faith – for many at the time of our baptisms.  At that time you became the dwelling pace of the Holy Spirit and your nature was changed from sinful man or woman, to godly man or woman.  Thus, you have in you a fire.

We are not talking about a fire of fanaticism, but

a fire of faith, of love, of joy, of peace, of hope –

all of those “in the LORD.”

Sadly, for many that fire may not burn too hotly.  Satan and our sinful nature like to dampen the fire.

Luther’s passion began as a religious passion.  He was concerned about his soul and set out to purify his soul.  He starved himself.  He beat himself.  All types of actions were part of his daily purification.  He was extremely zealous about his own purification.  Luther was convinced by his own sinful nature that the only way to be right with God was to zealously pursue his own purification.

Before he became the Apostle Paul, Saul had a religious passion and was willing to persecute the followers of Jesus because he was convinced by his sinful nature that Jesus was a lie.  He was willing to do whatever it took to save people from their “false focus” on that Jesus fellow.

Too many in Old Testament Israel also were religiously passionate.  They sacrificed animals.  They went through the motions of the major, required festivals.  They spoke the required words of their traditions.  They were not so much zealous for those things but they did them as they were supposed to.  Jesus spoke of this problem quoting Isaiah, ⁶ He replied, “Isaiah was right when he prophesied about you hypocrites; as it is written: “‘These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. ⁷ They worship me in vain; their teachings are but rules taught by men.’ ⁸ You have let go of the commands of God and are holding on to the traditions of men” [see Mark 7:6-7].  Possibly we would better communicate by saying that Old Testament Israel was spiritually “lukewarm” (to use God’s term from Revelation 3:16).

Modern Christians face the same problem as Old Testament Israel.  We are not so much passionate about the Lord who saved our eternal soul and person from sin, death and the power of the devil.  All too often we are not even warm about Jesus who redeemed us.  We face the temptation to be lukewarm.

Luther was broken from his religious passion when he came in contact with studies of the Bible.  His religious passion was empowered because the righteousness of God would condemn the sinner. He hoped to put aside God’s righteous anger by being passionate about his religious focus.  When he finally read and considered “the righteousness of God” in the context of Romans 3:21-22 his passion was shifted.  ²¹ But now a righteousness from God, apart from law, has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify. ²² This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe.  Luther realized that the righteousness of God was a gift given to all who believe.  People are declared innocent of sin (justified) because of the work of Christ.

From that time on Luther’s passion was focused on Christ Jesus.  His passion moved him to fearlessly write about the grace of God and about justification.  He wrote about the lie of works (his past passion) to put aside God’s wrath.  He was willing to stand before church leaders and the emperor and boldly state what he knew was right even if it meant his death.  That was his passion.

Let your passion for Jesus also burn.  We won’t be Luther types.  God probably will never ask us to stand up before Presidents, emperors, or church leaders.  In our lives have that passion for the Savior who loves you.

The fire in our hearts begins with the powerful fuel Jesus gave.  He died on the cross for us and paid for our sins.  All are justified in Christ.  Those who believe Jesus now have that fire of Jesus in their heart.  We are brought to faith by the Gospel of Jesus in the Bible/Word and the working of the Holy Spirit in our hearts.

The fire within us begins with the truth that in Christ we now are sons and daughters of God.  We are no longer slaves to sin, Satan, and our sinful nature.  In the believer is now trust in the Lord – fan that trust into a stronger and hotter fire.  In us is hope in the Lord even as we must face troubles and trials – remind yourself that you have hope in the Lord.

On the basis of

who we are (sons and daughters of the King),

the certain TRUST in the LORD that we have, and

the certain HOPE that we have in the LORD,

we also burn for our Lord.

With Christ Jesus as our Savior and knowing that we can trust the Lord, and knowing that our hope is rightly placed in the Lord, our daily life can be hot with the knowledge that we can act for the Lord.  Our heart and attitude can be filled with joy, peace, confidence, courage, conviction, and action.

Sin will try to keep us joyless.  With trust in God and the certain hope that the Lord is with us, we can be happy even when life seems to be throwing rocks at us. 

Sin will try to fill our hearts with worry and anger, that is take the peace from us.  With trust in the Lord and the certain hope that we have because we are sons and daughters of God, we can have peace.

Sin tries to ruin our confidence for daily life.  With trust, hope, and our relationship with God because of Jesus, you know it – we can have confidence in ourselves because of Jesus.

Now put courage and conviction into the same type of sentence as the above.

With a Christ centered relationship with God and with the trust and hope that come from God with us and for us, our actions –
whatever action you want to consider except sin – are part of the heat of faith in our lives.  Those are the expressions of your passion for the Lord- not a religious passion, but a Christian passion.  As Paul encouraged, Do not put out the Spirit’s fire; (1 Thessalonians 5:19). 

Being stereotypical, if Nag is an illustration of Satan’s work and temptation in the world, are we like Rikki, determined to win, or would we act like losers constantly beaten up by Satan and sin?

Most of us have every reason to feel beaten up and losing.  Of course, we do not feel that way all the time, yet much in life goes less well than we want.  Health, finances, school, relationships, jobs, politics, world catastrophes – all can make us feel beaten up.  Taking the positive out of a passage that the Spirit had Paul write to the Corinthians, maybe there have been times when you have felt like this, “We are hard pressed on every side, … crushed … perplexed … persecuted … abandoned … struck down … destroyed.  In some of our moments we might suffer those sentiments.

What Paul was writing in the above abbreviated passage was not negative at all.  The full verse admits the troubles of life (no sugar coating, no cover ups), but he states the confidence that we have in Christ.  We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; ⁹ persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed (2 Corinthians 4:8) [underlining is mine].   Paul recognized that in his Christian faith he could handle the troubles and trials of life.  I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. ¹³ For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength” (Philippians 4:12b-13).

Paul states the Christian confidence positively to the Romans – ³⁷ No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. ³⁸ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, ³⁹ neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 8:37-39).

God does not want his people to view themselves as losers against a powerful snake, Satan.  He wants his people to know that we are redeemed by Jesus, we are changed by faith and the Word, and that even as we face troubles we can stand up and know about victory in Christ is always with us.

When you feel abandoned, struck down, and crushed (ala 2 Corinthians 4:8) remember a
couple of your tools against the “snakes” of life:

• Remember that you are redeemed by Jesus and with that, dearly loved by Him.
• Remember that you can stand more firm against “the snakes” than you give yourself credit, not because of who you are, but because of Him in whom you trust.

Hopefully in every Christian man, woman, and child there is a bit of that stubborn, stand-up-to-the-snake and be victorious, Rikki Tikki Tavi.  May we always stand up against Satan wherever he raises his poisonous head, for he certainly has nothing good planned for us.

The  GTOs I like are now antiques.  Of old cars we see two types – those that no one has taken much care of (rusty) and those who have been or are being restored.   It is a gift when someone has the ability and the time to restore a classic, muscle car and make it look and sound fantastic.

Truly, God has done something fantastic with people.  Sin makes us into rusty, old, decrepit hulks suitable only to be crushed and melted down, or deposited in a salvage yard.  Yet God is not like that person whose car gets a bit old and he sells it and buys a new one.  The LORD wants to restore each and every person in whom sin has turned them into spiritual, junkyard ornaments.

Sin causes our spiritual doors to get weak at the hinges, causes our spiritual engine to burn oil, and we no longer have spiritual acceleration.  Sin causes us to have spiritual high mileage, a pitted and rusty finish, and worse, rusty holes, not to mention the weak and inefficient parts. 

Rather than selling us, rather than turning us over to a salvage yard, rather than having us crushed into a metal block and melted down as scrap….

Rather than all those above, destructive options – God restores us through Jesus Christ, his death on the cross and his resurrection.  Titus 3:5-6  ⁵ … He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, ⁶whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior.

Nor does he simply polish us up a bit.  He completely restores every part of us so that we are spiritually clean and new.  As Paul wrote to the Corinthians and us – 2 Corinthians 5:17-18a  ¹⁷ Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! ¹⁸ All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ…

God does great restoration work.

• As pointed out above, he reconciles us to be his own and to be new.  Also …
• We have been given a new attitude and a new self which are to fight against sin.  Ephesians 4:22-24  ²² You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; ²³ to be made new in the attitude of your minds; ²⁴ and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.  Next …
• We have been given renewed mind – Romans 12:2  Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Please note that since we have a renewed mind we are to stop thinking in old, rusted out ways.

Anyone and everyone who has faith that Jesus Christ is their Lord and Savior is a new creation in God’s eyes.  Realize how new you are in Jesus so that 1) you rejoice in who God has made you in Christ, and  2) so when you are tempted to act like an old, rusted out relic with your sin, that instead, you will remember to be and act more like God’s renewed people.

The picture is negatively inspiring because it reminds us who the real enemy is.

When we think of the troubles and trials of life we focus on the economy, our health and the like.  When we think of the temptations that we face we think about anger, impatience, lust for money and things, sensual lust and the like.  Certainly those trials, troubles, and temptations are very true and should be remembered and fought.

Yet, underlying all of those things is Satan.

Satan has at least two major goals, depending on how you think about his goals. 

His ultimate goal is to enslave people in hell.

Satan applies much of his energy to keep people from knowing and believing who the Savior is.  He wants all people in his kingdom and applies much of his resources to that goal.  As Peter wrote (1 Peter 5:8), Satan prowls around like a lion looking to folks to devour.

Second, the devil applies much energy into harming, disrupting, and ruining people’s lives.  This point is an interesting one for discussion, for it appears that Satan will use whatever tools he can to ruin and disrupt lives.  If someone is most tempted to wreck their life because of poverty, he will use that.  If someone will more likely wreck their life by wealth, he will put them into contact with wealth or those who are wealthy.  In truth, whatever the lying worm can use, he will use to harm life.

A third goal could be stated as “hiding his reality from people.”  If folks refuse to know who the enemy is they certainly will not take steps to defend themselves.  The Bible speaks of Satan as a reality, so we do too.

Paul in Ephesians summarized the spiritual battle which Christians and all people face.  For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms (Ephesians 6:12, NIV).

We will spend a lot of spiritual enemy dealing with many troubles and temptations in our lives.  With that said, be sure to remember who the real enemy is and that Jesus is the only one with strength to fight that enemy.

Passion is energetic love that shows itself in excitement ABOUT our spouse, excitement FOR our spouse, excitement IN our spouse, and a willingness to be intimate with our spouse.

While this article, strictly speaking, is not about sex, passion for our spouse and sex go hand in hand.  When a man and a woman have passion for each other, the expression of their love will show in many ways, sex included.

If the former is true, passion for our spouse is only for procreation, then we can understand the lower passion level in marriage over time.  The man’s testosterone level drops, his desire for sex is replaced by drive in some other area of his life – work and recreation to mention two.  Drive will also diminish since he has children and in his mind, enough children.  For the woman her drive dwindles because of the work load she is under and the mothering of her current children is primary.  Since many women are working outside the home and have become a major part of a family’s life style, many are too tired to have much passion.

The vast majority of decreased passion is not due to physical issues.

If the later is true, passion is a natural part of our need for intimacy, then the passion in marriage may diminish some but will not wane as we see it happening today.  I think that the decrease of passion in our marriages is not due to natural changes.  Physical changes will certainly play into the lower passions in marriage, but I am sure that most of the passion killers in marriage are the sinful nature in each of us in action.

Passion Killers in our marriages:

• Our Spouse ignores our love language
• Our expectations get crushed.
• Our spouse is not a priority
• We are not valued
• Our five basic needs are not being met
• The need to be impassioned by our spouse.
• No love / No respect
• We choose to be unresponsive
• Health
• The “crazy cycles.”

Our Spouse Ignores our Love Language

Our “love language” (Gary Chapman’s work) is not being spoken by our spouse.  Chapman asserts that there are five basic love languages that people “speak.”  Some people perceive the most loving thing they can do and receive as “words of affirmation.”  That is their love language.  Others prefer “acts of service” to express and receive love.  Third, “quality time” says, “I love you.”  Fourth, “gift giving.”  The Fifth language is “physical touch.”  The way  a husband expresses and expects love may be “words of affirmation.”  But his wife’s primary language of love is “quality time.” The result – they may feel that their spouse does not love them because they have two different ideas about love.  If both are not taking into account how their beloved expresses love, then they may not feel loved.  Passion among some couples may be dying because they are not taking into account how their loved one expresses love and needs love.  Be willing to learn what your loved one sees as love.  Learn to “talk” each other’s love language so that your passion can stay strong.

Our Expectations  Get Crushed.

Our expectations for marriage, intimacy, and life are not getting met.  Every man and woman has expectations about their marriage and life.  If a couple is not aware of their own expectations, they may feel that their expectations are not being met and shut off their passion for their spouse.  It is hard to be passionate if you regularly feel disappointed.  Each spouse should examine his or her expectations and ask the hard question, “Are my expectations too high?” and no one could fulfill what I want.  A second, similar question, “Am I meeting my spouse’s expectations?” for we should never be so self-centered as to only see ourselves.  If we do not set realistic expectations, if we are not willing to meet our spouse’s expectations, if we are not willing to forgive our spouse’s shortcomings, then Passion can be harmed.

Our spouse is not a priority 

Everyone of us set’s priorities.  Those priorities adjust as the circumstances of life change.  Sometimes we make our extended family a high priority because of illness or other situation.  At times our work is a high priority because we have a hard deadline to meet.  A huge problem develops when we relegate our spouse to a lower priority.  I hope that all of us are mature enough to know that we cannot always be first in our spouses mind and action.  Yet, if we always sense that we are low on our spouse’s priority setting, sooner or later that will affect our willingness to be passionate.  We husbands can be very guilty of this.   Many of us value our work, position, and professional prestige more than our spouse.  Yes, work is important and does allow our wives to have a certain level of financial support for themselves and our children.  Even though that is true, men, our ladies must know that they are more important still.  Yet, women make their husbands a low priority in life.  For some women work is becoming more important.  Then because our lady is working outside the home, at home she feels even more bogged down- the children, the house up keep, etc.  Our ladies may say, “Well, if our husbands would help us at home this wouldn’t be a trouble.”  Partially true, but partially not.  In every task that we do, there is always  more to do.  Once you get a part of the lawn the way you want it, there is another part that could use your time.  Once you get one thing repaired on the car, another thing could be fixed.  Homes, cars, etc can be endless projects.  For everything we do, we still need to make sure that our spouse knows that he or she is a priority for us.  After a while of being of secondary importance to our spouse, passion will begin dying.

We are not Valued

Every one of us has a need to have worth / value.  It is best if we can value ourselves for who we are.  For many people their self-worth, their value, is based upon the reaction of someone else to them.  Simply, if we are valued by someone else, then we value ourselves.  Our self-worth can get really out of balance if we value ourselves ONLY because we are valued by someone else.  Be aware of letting anyone dictate your self-worth.  Yet, with that said, become aware of how your interactions with your spouse are communicating your value of that man or that woman.  Husband, if you are  communicating that your wife is of low value, do not be surprised when her passion for you also is low.  Wives, if you treat your man as if he has low value, do not be surprised that he is not passionate for you.  Each spouse can strengthen the value of the other and should.

Our Five Basic Needs are not being Met 

Willard Harley in his book His Needs, Her Needs, states that men and women have five basic needs.  In part his work was based upon why people divorce.  There is wisdom in what he observed for when basic needs are not being met over a long period of time, passion will die.

The five basic needs for women were Affection, Conversation, Honesty and Openness, Financial Support; and, Family Commitment.  If we men are not applying our energy to meeting those needs, our wives will finally become tired of being passionate with us.

For men he perceived their basic needs as:  Sexual fulfillment; Recreational Companionship; An attractive spouse; Domestic Support; and Admiration.  If our wives ignore these basic needs, passion will perish.

The Need to be Impassioned by our Spouse. 

A sixth passion killer is that one or both partners feel that it is the other’s responsibility to impassion them, to “turn them on.” If you have that attitude, you are setting your spouse up for failure. If he or she does not encourage our passion, then we will not have passion for them.  Many people make the same mistake with love – if my spouse does not make me love him/her, then I will not love.  Love cannot be dependent upon another person.  Love comes from within us for our beloved.    The same goes for passion – passion comes from within us for our beloved.

Certainly, there are events in the day and “things” that our spouse will do that discourage passion.  Yet, if you consider all the things that can happen in a day that will discourage passion, the list if very long.  Let’s consider a few – work went badly, I am secretly angry with my spouse, I am angry with someone at work or in the community.  I am angry with one of our relatives.  I have felt ornery all day.  One of the children made me mad.  I am angry at myself.  I have 15 projects to get done at home and you are no help at all.  You were angry at me today, how can I be in the mood for passion now?  The dog/cat did something that caused me unnecessary work and I am mad about that.  While I have listed many reasons revolving around anger, I bet you can think of many others from all facets of life.

The truth of the matter is Will your spouse ever be good enough so that he/she deserves your passion?  Will the day ever go well enough so that you will automatically feel impassioned about your spouse?  Will your spouse ever be able to “turn you on” well enough?  I fear that very often the answer will be “no.”  When that is the case you can “kiss your passion good bye.”

Passion like love needs to come from within us for our beloved.  Yes, our spouse will say and do things that impact how we feel about them, ourselves, and our passion.  That truth told if we let that be all there is to reality with our spouse, we will not be passionate.  We have the power to be positive and passionate about our spouse.  Apply it.

No Love / No Respect

Emerson Eggerich (author of both several books and a DVD series entitled Love and Respect) has observed that marriages in which the wife does not feel loved and the husband does not feel respected, those marriages can be stuck on a “crazy-cycle.”  Applying those observations to passion we can see that where love and respect are rationed or ended, passion will also be rationed or ended.

Emerson has observed that women need to know that they are loved by their husbands without conditions and apart from performance.  True, there may be times when a wife is not very loveable by how she is acting or what she has said.  Yet, a husband needs to love his wife on the basis of his relationship with her, not her perfection.  If she does not feel loved, then she will not be willing to provide respect for him.

For men he has observed that when a man does not feel respected by his wife, then he is not inclined to give her love.  For him, having the respect of his wife is imperative.  As with her, he needs to be respected without condition and apart from performance.

If, over a long period of time, the lady feels unloved and the man feels disrespected, passion will also decline.

We Choose to be Unresponsive

In truth couples will become passionate at different times and for different reasons.  A wife hears her husband talking with a work associate about his future dreams and that simple conversation puts her in the mood.  She is impassioned, but he was just chatting with a friend and may not actually have thought about passion at all.  A husband sees his wife doing the dishes at the end of a party at their house.  He is happy about all the hard work she did and looking at her realizes how special she is.  He is impassioned, but she just wants to finish cleaning the house and rest.  Similar scenarios take place constantly.

Then occurs the passion killer.  If one feels passionate, will the spouse “throw a cold bucket of water” on the passion of their lover?  If the reaction to passion is regularly “Not now,” sooner or later the assumption will exist that the answer will always be “Not now.”

We need to be responsive to our partner and not constantly or even regularly “shoot them down.”  The time may not be right for romance or intimacy, but 95% of the time, respond positively to your spouse’s passion in a positive way.

Health

One legitimate reason that bothers some couples is that of health.  The husband or wife have health issues that cause their passion for each other to be lower.  This does happen.  Yet, by way of warning, do not use health as an excuse.  There are many examples of people using their “health” as a reason for being impassionate – “I have a headache.”  Do not use health as an excuse, unless it truly is a reason. If health is a legitimate reason, you must communicate your passion in other ways, obvious ways.

The Crazy-Cycles

I am not sure if Dr. Eggerich is the first to put those two simple terms together regarding marriage but they certainly communicate.  His point, if the wife is not loved and the husband is not getting respect they are in a crazy-cycle for the situation will get worse and worse.  Less love brings about less respect.  Less respect brings about less love.

Apply that thought to any of the above passion killers, we see plenty of opportunities to get into disastrous, crazy cycles that kill the passion of  usbands and wives, and that tear apart their love and their relationship.

The Home is a Refuge and Fortress

If we want our home to be a refuge and fortress in a world that is constantly troubled, a fantastic place to strengthen that refuge and fortress is the relationship of husband and wife.  Strengthen yours with a good dose of regular passion for your spouse.  Regularly and daily communicate to him or her, “I am excited and happy that you are my spouse.”  “I am excited and happy that you are my friend.”  “I am excited and happy that you are my lover.”

JCBaumann Sept. 12, 2011

Biblical study is the first of the three emphases.

To grow spiritually we need to look to the Word of God.  We can come into contact with excellent spiritual mentors – their lives are a good reflection of the Gospel power.  Many books we read may be inspirational and provide excellent goals.  Writings about how to be successful give good guidance.  The many top ten lists – the top ten list of godly leadership qualities, the top ten for the effective church, and so on – provide some great input.  All of those pale when compared with the Bible, which is God’s Word.

Through the Word the Holy Spirit strengthens God’s people and give us wisdom.

Meditation on the Word is the second emphasis for spiritual growth.

A useful rephrase can be, consider how what you have read affects and impacts your life.  The Lord’s word is always his Word.  Christians will listen, hear and consider.  In many ways the Word applies to each person equally.  As we are individuals with different jobs, different areas and communities, different backgrounds, different challenges by sin, the meditation on the Word allows us to see how the Lord is uniquely working in our lives.  We cannot speak as the prophets and say, “God is telling me to do this or that, or to say this or that,” but we can meditate upon God’s Word and apply what is said to ourselves with faith.

“Thirdly, there is tentatio, Anfechtung,” [‘attack’ or ‘assault’] Luther wrote.

Satan will hate and detest anyone who reads God’s Word and anyone who meditates upon God’s Word.  The devil’s anger will drive him to attack God’s people – no big surprise here.  The devil wants his attacks to choke our faith, like weeds choking the wheat.  He wants his attacks to heat our lives up so unbearably that we dry up and wither like plants in shallow soil.  In all cases, Satan wants the Christian to die to the Lord – to turn away from the Word and faith.  He hopes that the believer will say, “I can’t stand it any longer!  This Christian stuff is not worth it!  I’m out of here!”  As Luther put it “For as soon as God’s Word takes root and grows in you, the devil will harry you,…”

Yet, since the believer is paying attention to God’s Word and is applying it to his/her life, that very work of Satan is going to have the opposite effect.  Luther went on with the sentence just ended, “…  and will make a real doctor of you, and by his assaults will teach you to seek and love God’s Word.”  What Satan hopes will crush us will strengthen and makes us “real doctors” of theology and Christian life.  Christians are never on their own for the Holy Spirit is using the Word in us and is fighting for us as we face the troubles and attacks.

Many believers can see these truths active in their lives.

We study and consider the Word.  We apply what the Lord says to our lives.  We have seen our growth during the hard times of life.  We can see these truths active in our own spiritual growth.

Please do be empathetic with fellow believers as they are facing Satan’s attacks.  As you have opportunity, encourage them for you have gone through the same things and they may have an opportunity to re-strengthen you when you are facing sin’s assaults.

While Luther’s three points are no surprise, I was introduced Luther’s succinct expression in the paragraphs from AE 34 by John Kleinig in Grace Upon Grace, pages 13-15,  St. Louis: Concordia Publishing House, 2008.

A person may say, “I can’t control my temper.”  What they should honestly say is “I won’t control my temper.”  If the person they were getting angry with was important to them, or stronger than they were or had the authority to hurt them financially or in business, they would control their temper.   Controlling their temper may not be what they want to do, but they will and they can.

A person says, “I have to purchase that fishing pole (or for the ladies, “that dress”)” they may be thinking “I can’t stop myself because I really want it,” but it is really a case of “I won’t control my desires or my spending.”

The same goes for the saying “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.”  More truthfully we might say, “The dog won’t learn a new trick.”  People are not hounds and we can change and adjust our attitudes.

Husbands and wives might like to think, “I can’t do this or that,” but they really mean “won’t.”  They have decided that the task, the event, the thing isn’t important.  Sadder, the “can’t” may actually be a case of “I won’t” because this gives me power over my spouse or I’m getting even with my spouse.

Some stereotypical statements help to illustrate.

The husband who says “I can’t help discipline the kids,” really means “won’t.”  Of course there may be times when other events or obligations get in the way, but in general there are many ways to help out.

The wife who says, “The house really needed that kitchen tool so I bought it even though it’s outside the budget this month.  It was a good deal too,” is really saying “I won’t control my spending” even though yes it might have been a good deal.

The husband who says, “I couldn’t phone to let you know that I’d be late,” really might be saying “I wouldn’t phone because I knew that you wouldn’t agree with my decision” or I didn’t want the hassle.

The husband who asserts, “I can’t communicate with my wife,” may truly mean “won’t.”  He may have lots of reasons for not communicating – he always wants his way and doesn’t want to hear her concerns, she never really listens to his concerns, they do not want to come to a mutual decision – but what he really means is “I won’t deal with the real issues that are here.”  Ladies, also play this “I can’t listen to him” game when you really mean “won’t.”

The wife who asserts, “I couldn’t have sex with you tonight,” really meant, “I won’t.”  Certainly there are times when circumstances and health would make the statement “couldn’t” correct, yet how often is “couldn’t” used as an excuse – the real reason may be anger with her man or disappointment with events of the day, or to show her man, you don’t own me.  Some husbands also have this problem with claiming “can’t” fulfill my wife’s sexual needs, when they really mean “won’t.”

Three considerations need to take place with “can’t” or “won’t.”

First, be honest with yourself – when you say “can’t” do you really mean “can’t” or is it truly an “I won’t do that” statement.  Then, be honest with yourself and your spouse.  Some good, mutual communication may be just what you both need.  BEWARE: over time as we say “I can’t do this,” when said often enough truly becomes “I can no longer do that.”  Humans are very much creatures of habit and so after enough time we truly will be unable to do something.  Sadly, many adults turn into their worst attitudes, that they have been developing over the years.

Second, if you have a lot of “won’ts” taking place in your relationship to your spouse, evaluate what is truly going on inside you.  Do not blame your spouse for some shortcoming until you have honestly assessed whether your “won’t” attitudes are fueling a negative relationship.  We have huge amounts of ability to change our own attitudes and how we relate with our spouse.  Then, amazingly, as our “won’t” attitudes disappear, our relationship with our spouse changes positively.

Third, following are some useful steps in making an attitude shift in your life.

• Honest realization of what is going on within you.  What has taken place in the past that has moved you to this reality?  What
  did you learn from your parents or peers that is affecting this reality?  What has your spouse done to encourage you to get to this point?  How have your attitudes affected you and brought you to this reality?  For us Christians, what temptations and sins have taken place in my life to get me here?  What temptations and sins have come from the world or my spouse to get me here?  How does this reality compare
  with the Lord Jesus’ will for his Christian people as stated in the Bible?
• Plan some specific and real actions you can take that begin to show the changed attitude.  Realize, you will not feel like it and many of the normal events will take place to encourage the same old reaction.  If you do not want that negative life attitude in your relationship and
  if that old reaction is contrary to the will of God, and if that “won’t” has negatively affected your relationships, then you will always know why you want to stand firmly.  Continue with you plan even if your spouse doesn’t immediately respond to, or congratulate you for, what
  you are doing for the relationship.  Chances are, he or she will not realize what is going on until later.
• For Christians the motivation that will actually move us to make a positive change in our life and our relationship to
  our spouse is the Gospel of Jesus as Savior.  He has made our forgiveness.  He has brought us into the family of God.
  Being a part of that family has changed our heart so that we can change for the positive.  Being a part of the family of God also means that we have His ongoing blessing in what we do.  With the LORD as our refuge we actually can accomplish positive change.  Those who have
  only their will power can easily run into walls and frustrations and anger that their will alone cannot climb.
•  Make a conscious decision to change. Wishing to adjust an attitude will not work.  Make a conscious and serious decision, then put that decision into action.  Learn to recognize the events that attack your good attitude change.  There will be some, at times many.
  When set back, do not give up.  Get up and move ahead with what you know is best and for Christians, godly.
• For some people confiding our goals in another who is trusted has been of great help.  They help us to be responsible.
  They encourage us when the road is rough.  They exhort us when we become lazy.  Realize that this must be someone who you
  trust, for too many people are not that helpful.  Examine your priorities to see where your relationship with your spouse has been and then evaluate where it should be.  If your relationship with your spouse has had a low priority, consciously make it higher and act so.  Place into this framework the situation that you are dealing with, the “won’t” you want to change.
• Some changes may take place quickly most will not.  Remember, it has taken a long time to get where you are, so, most often, we will not change overnight.  Continue with your good plan.  Take it to the Lord in prayer.  Trust that the Lord will bless.  Act according to your faith in Jesus, encouraged by the Word of God, the Bible.   Over time, positive changes will take place.

Honest assessment of what is within or outside our abilities needs to take place. There are actually things that a husband and a wife cannot do.  Yet in a vast majority of cases most of the time when we say “can’t,” the true obstacle is our attitudes about ourselves and our spouse.  Be aware of your own
self defeating attitudes.  Make it so that when you say “can’t” that you truly can’t.